yawn.....i'm sleepy. I got up this morning at 5 AM to get to the gym. I worked out for an hour and made in in to work around 8. I've had a protein bar this morning, and a salad for lunch all totaling up to about 550 cals. Doing good so far, I'm going to sleep really good tonight, I'm so incredibly tired. The devil will be out so I can go to bed whenever I want. Yeah!
i'm tired...i'm sure thats because i haven't eaten over 700 cals in so many days now that i can't count...on top of that i'm exercising my butt off (literally), mind you i'm happy about all this. i seem to have found my focus. and although i know that focus could kill me i can't stop. anyway i'm actually happy and thats the point. at least i'm trying to convince myself of this. i have lost about 5 pounds in the last week or so. this makes me happy. and whenever i start to think about how bad my chest hurts from all the ephedrine i'm taking...and about how nauseated i am from the pills with no food...i think about getting on the scale one day and the needle not moving. mind you, i am painfully aware that this is impossible...but it does work for motivation purposes. i am also motivated by the devil. the one i live with not the literal one, although at times i do believe that he is literally satan incarnate. he is doing everything possible to be sure he doesn't have to see me very often, and this is fine with me. the more he is away, the less i have to eat, and the more i can workout without any questions. he also eats like a friggin pig and it's because of him that i got so horribly off track to begin with. if i can just manage to stay away from him i can keep doing what i'm doing. at this point i really don't care if this kills me. i'm so sick of being fat i don't know what to do with myself. if i can't fit into the sizes i want then i don't want to fit into anything but a pine box. i know i'm obsessed. sorry, but i really can't stand this anymore. i'm not suicidal by any means. i just refuse to give up my quest to be perfect. it is a destination that i am aware i will never reach however i'm going to come as close as i can without crossing into the city limits. ciao.
The Thin People
They are always with us, the thin people
Meager of dimension as the gray people
On a movie-screen. They
Are unreal, we say:
It was only in a movie, it was only
In a war making evil headlines when we
Were small that they famished and
Grew so lean and would not round
Out their stalky limbs again though peace
Plumped the bellies of the mice
Under the meanest table.
It was during the long hunger-battle
They found their talent to persevere
In thinness, to come, later,
Into our bad dreams, their menace
Not guns, not abuses,
But a thin silence.
Wrapped in flea ridden donkey skins,
Empty of complaint, forever
Drinking vinegar from tin cups: they wore
The insufferable nimbus of the lot-drawn
Scapegoat. But so thin,
So weedy a race could not remain in dreams,
Could not remain outlandish victims
In the contracted country of the head
Any more than the old woman in her mud hut could
Keep from cutting fat meat
Out of the side of the generous moon when it
Set foot nightly in her yard
Until her knife had pared
The moon to a rind of little light.
Now the thin people do not obliterate
Themselves as the dawn
Grayness blues, reddens, and the outline
Of the world comes clear and fills with color.
They persist in the sunlit room: the wall paper
Frieze of cabbage-roses and cornflowers pales
Under their thin-lipped smiles,
Their withering kingship.
How they prop each other up!
We own no wildernesses rich and deep enough
For stronghold against their stiff
Battalions. See, how the tree boles flatten
And lose their good browns
If the thin people simply stand in the forest,
Making the world go thin as a wasp's nest
And grayer; not even moving their bones.
---Sylia Plath
Hi...okay my day in a nutshell...awful. I got a ticket this morning. I ate a huge amount of food...and this is just for lunch. I have actual stalkers that will not leave me alone, although I make it painfully clear that I do not want to be bothered. One good thing about today...well I guess it was yesterday, is that a friend of mine brought over Photoshop so that I could load it on my computer. I've been having a blast making all sorts of cool images with it. Can't wait to make some "skinny" pics of myself with it....if I can master the thing that is...it is alot harder than it seems. Anyway..I'm not really in a typing mood right now, so I'm gonna go..I need to have my nails cut down...along with my hips, and butt, and the rest. Bye.
hey everybody....i've been doing really bad the past couple of days. food wise i mean. the other stuff I can't really do anything about. i have been getting lots of help on
tf however. as you can see today is a little letter day. maybe it will make me me little one day too. one can only hope. i read about the "binge fairy" on
tf and i thought that was cute. cute by naming her that, not cute that she's been visiting me everyday this week. the bad part is that my "binges" are probably just normal eating for some people. but for me it's totally ridiculous. i mean i know that after not eating right for so long the last thing i can do is eat normally. that will just make me twice as big as i have ever been in my life. although i know this and i try to tell myself this when the binge fairy knocks on my door, i can't seem to make her leave. she just sits, and sits, and sits, until i've eaten too much and its too late. i can't purge like i used to cause then my bf will think that i'm sick or whatever and that will be another fight and i'll feel worse and then i'll want to binge all over again. all this is way to much for me right now. i have to find someone to keep my daughter on saturday or i'll lose 100 dollars i spent on tickets to a play. i don't want to think about that now. saturday i felt really sick, my stomach hurt so bad. i ate a little soup and i felt better. i was watching a marathon of sorority girls on mtv. the season finale came on last night but i went to sleep before it came on. i was really tired and i needed the sleep. i did really good on saturday now that i think about it. sunday was bad, i can't remember what i ate...i can't remember anything these days. i'm always tired no matter how much sleep i get. i'm tired now. i don't always wake up tired but i get tired later on in the day. everyone on
tf has been helping me alot. i really need the support and advice i get from everyone. i want more friends there but i guess people have to get to know you before they trust you just like everywhere else in the world. it's also about popularity just like everywhere else in the world. lets face it most of us wouldn't be there if we didn't care about what people think of us. i have to try and stay on track no matter what. exercising, no day over 600 cals, no sugar, no butter, no salt. i'll start tomorrow.
My stupid comments are down again..it's getting really annoying. I guess it shouldn't bother me. The last comment I got was from some guy who asked me if I was the girl in the picture...Heidi Klum???? Yeah right. Whatever...I'm not in a really good mood today. Last night PD reminds me that I have NO friends....says that all I do it sit in the house and get mad at him when he goes out with his friends. Mind you...this little outburst was totally unprovoked, so it upset me quite a bit. It is true that I don't have any friends...who in the world would want to be friends with me???? But I NEVER bother him about going out with his friends...he even takes MY car for Pete's sake. I may get upset when he's gone out like three weekends in a row EVERY Saturday, while I'm in the house, but DAMN I'm human. I don't know why it bothers me so much. Its not like he gives a damn so why wouldn't he stomp all over my feelings. I guess I deserve it anyway.
Off of that...I put my resume in for another position at my job, which if I get I won't be able to post on TF OR keep up my blog cause I will have work up to my EYELIDS. But I probably won't get it anyway. Oh..well...at least I'm sticking with my calorie limits. Oatmeal in the morning...Glucerna for lunch, and miso soup for dinner....plus tons of coffee, water, and a Stacker 2 for good measure. Gotta go... trying to fill up this emptiness with a can of empty....
Well LOOKY Heeeere.......yes I know. I am terrible. It's been a really long time. But I've been out of the loop for awhile. But
I'm BACK! At least on the fabulous
TF anyway. I'm doing pretty good. I was really on a disgusting binge for awhile there, but now I'm back on track. At least I'm getting back on track. My energy has been totally no existent lately though. I can't seem to wake up in the mornings, and I'm tired all day. I know part of it is my eating habits, but there is more. I have been really sick with allergies. Thats part of it as well. My head is in a fog. I need to get my fat ass up and workout. That would help a lot. I'm slowly getting it together though so I won't beat myself up entirely about it. Anyway, my sister wants us to come home for Xmas. It would be nice, but I don't think that PD will go for it. We will see. All I can do is ask. Oohoooo....to whoever invented coffee, I'd like to give you a big wet kiss in the mouth. It's a many splendored thing it is. It makes everything better. Ummm.....makes me all warm and fuzzy on the inside. One day I'll be fuzzy on the outside...lol.
Ana's kick butt!
