Autopsy of a Bad Affair-Mo's worries

Invasion of the Bad Attitude Snatchers

Okay...so in walks PD. He asked me to help him update his biography...don't ask (he's filming a movie and needed it for the press package or something). I agreed and he came over to give me the necessary information to make the update. Well in the course of the conversation EP came up. I had never mentioned EP to PD before, and I have to say he took it relatively well. Very well, I wanted to ask where was the PD I knew, but I took it for what it was and didn't ask any questions. He asked about him, what he does...etc. He also told me to tell him that his days are numbered {maybe it didn't go as well as I thought}. I tried to just ignore that part. Shortly after he left I got a text from EP. Nothing profound or moving...just asking how my day at work went. I said fine...he asked if I finished writing in my blog, and I said no...my work here is never finished. However, I was all out of inspiration at the time. He sent back a "lol" message, and that was it. I considered responding back with a question or something else funny...but I thought I better leave well enough alone.

I'm not playing hard to get...I'm not, but I can't follow "lol" with anything that doesn't sound like I'm trying to continue the conversation. Well...I just thought of something...I said, "Did you finish installing your synchronization software?" Moving I know. He said, yes, and its GREAT {all caps yes}. I said...Sounds like it {now who's making closed remarks}. He followed with, "John Legend looks soft." To which I respond, "You must be watching the award show {BET}, I should turn it on" {but I know I'm not going to}. This isn't a very complex conversation I know...and I hate to make anyone else sit through it, but damn...this is getting painful.

Changing gears...I've been getting those messages from guys I'm not interested in on yahoo. The ones that keep me from throwing myself from the balcony. It isn't really working, but I thought I would give it a try. EP has been talking to me alot lately, and I'm not sure what that is about. He hit me on yahoo again. I guess I'll go talk to him. Later.

Sigh...Starting Over

Hello all...I'm starting over...from stratch. I opened a yahoo personal ad. That is so fucking pathetic I want to throw myself over the balcony...but wait a minute! Who the hell is that...could it be EP with a profile? He's been active in the last 24 hours, but couldn't call me. That sorry excuse for a...nom naha rhingeh kyo...breathe. Moving right along...I did it...partially to just move on from this whole EP episode, and partially for the ego boost of having men I am not interested in throw themselves at me blocking me from throwing myself from high places. Yes I'm tired of this...I like you...you don't like me...you like me...I don't like you. It is all very depressing and damn-it I can't take it anymore. I just want to love and be loved. Is that so terrible? Obviously it is, because I'll be damned if I'm not being punished for it. At least that is what it feels like.

Well just as I was in the middle of writing this...EP texts me..."Did you get my text message today?"

Decisions...decisions...now that I think of it...I shouldn't have said anything. But I did. "Your message about being so busy? Yes." {ouch}

EP: "My yahoo message?"
Me: "Yes, I responded once I returned to my desk." {trying to sound distant and unfriendly}
EP: "I must have left for the day."
Me: "Maybe. I sent it around 12:30"
EP: "I didn't get anything up until 3pm"
Me: "Thats weird. I said, hey...how r u? Maybe it was yahoo"
EP: "Maybe. How are you tonight?"
Me: "I'm fine. Doing laundry, way past due. I haven't spent much time @ home since last week."{and I haven't been home at all actually...but I'm only saying this so there aren't any confusing thoughts that I'm sitting at home thinking about him...I'm not really...well maybe right now I am...but I haven't been...really}
EP: "Dreaded laundry. Sorry."
Me: "Its not so bad, could be worse I should say." {complete lie, nothing is worse than laundry}


Okay...so thats the last thing so far. I was actually typing this and texting him back at the same time. We will see. I didn't think I would ever hear from him again. I don't know why I felt that way I just did.

Dead Wrong...

Okay...so I wasn't just wrong. I was dead wrong. On Friday, no word. Saturday...nothing. Sunday...hey wait a minute...oh no, nada. Even though I said I wouldn't...I broke down on Sunday and sent a text message to him. First saying..."How r u?" Then saying..."So are you not talking to me now?" I know it is pathetic, but it's all Will Smith's fault. Him and his nice shoulders and abs...and great sense of humor...just like EP. I watched Hitch with a friend last night, and even though I was completely aware that I shouldn't have watched that movie, even before it began, I did, and then I ended up sending those stupid texts. Damn you Fresh Prince. Anyway...this morning...at 5 AM no less...I got a text back..."No, not at all, I had a really busy weekend." Yeah right...and I'm Nipsey Russell..."We have finally sold the last of the peanut brittle". Why am I so disappointed? It isn't like I didn't know this would happen sooner or later, and come to think of it...sooner is always better because at least then your feelings aren't heavily invested. {I'm not in love, I'm NOT in love...I'll just keep saying that and it will be true}

It isn't so much this particular situation that is so jading, as it is the plight of my relationships that involve men altogether. I wanted so much to believe that this time there would be no games, and that I could be completely honest with him about how I felt, and not hold back or pretend I didn't care just to keep him interested. And even if he calls...do I want a relationship with someone where that is necessary to begin with? I mean...do I want another relationship with someone where that is necessary? Absolutely not. I guess this is for the best {man that sucks ass}. I'm moving on...if he calls maybe we can be friends, and if not then maybe I never speak to him again {gulp}. Either way I think I'm saving myself a whole lotta hurtin' later. Right now its just a little superficial ding in my heart {really, that is all it is}, but that is way better than totaling out my heart down the line {someone please call the "jaws of life"}.

I also think that there was a definite issue with me having LO...and that isn't ever going to change. I would like to be with someone who loves her as much as I do, but I know that is very hard to find. Well...actually it isn't, I have someone who worships the ground I walk on, and would do anything for me or LO, but...I'm not attracted to him. It sucks I know, and I tried to get over it, but the chemistry thing, the sexual thing is NOT, I repeat NOT happening with this person. It makes me feel shallow and worthless, because he treats me like a princess, but I can't get past it. I've tried...I've gotten really drunk, and the only thing I can figure is that there isn't enough beer in Germany to allow me to get past the physical. The bad part is...its not like he is all that bad looking...but not doing it for me. I know looks are not everything, but damn...there has to be some spark...something. Well in this case there is nothing, at least not for me. Now if I could find a guy that looked like EP, but with the personality of this other dude, I'd hit paydirt. However...I don't ever see the planets lining up like that for me. Maybe that is why it hasn't happened. Think happy thoughts...happy I tell you! It's not working. Laundry UGH!! Why???

Okay...I Was Wrong...


It isn't love. At least not for EP. And if I'm completely honest with myself, not for me either. It's just whatever that is you feel about a person in the beginning that makes you blush when you hear their name. I don't know if THAT has a name, but that is what it is.

I haven't heard from EP since Thursday night. I had driven down to a particularly rough part of Baltimore to see a performance at a community block party of sorts. I called him joking about just how rough the neighborhood was (the pigeons were wearing bullet-proof vests), and he called back but since I didn't have any reception it went straight to voicemail. Anywho...I sent him a text when I was on my way out of there explaining my concern about getting to my car safely because it was now after dark, and I never heard anything after that. Today is Saturday. I still haven't heard anything from him. So much for concern. No matter what...I'm not calling. I'm not texting. I'm not IMing. If we never speak again, so be it. I'll have the memories, but god-damn-it I swear I'm not picking up that fucking telephone. Yes I'm a little pissed. A little peeved maybe...okay I'm fucking besides myself in anger. Well not really...it hasn't been that long, but I had a couple other friends call just to make sure I was okay, and it bothers me that the person I'm down for the most right now didn't bother to find out whether I was still alive or not. My head hurts, my heart hurts a little, and I need some coffee. I'm out.

You Really Got a Hold On Me...

I LOVE YOU, and all I want you to do is just HOLD ME, HOLD ME {tighter}. Teehee. Yes I love EP. Completely, wholly, solidly LOVE him. But I can't let him know that just yet, because then, its all over. I just can't stop thinking about him. Ha...young love. Well close to middle aged love, but who cares? LO was with family Wednesday through Sunday, and EP and I spent every night together. We took a break Saturday night though, but then he came over last night. He wasn't going to...he tried to fight it, but in the end, he couldn't handle it, and asked if he could come and see me. Which of course I said YES to, because I can't resist his charms or his penis for that matter. LOVE IT. I invited him to my company picnic, which considering the attention of some of my admirers at work was probably not the best thing to do, but I don't care. I love him, and I want him to be with me. He said yes, of course {although at the time that I asked, I wasn't sure if he would accept}. Did I mention that I'm in love with him? I don't want to leave that out. I have this friend, and I'll tell you her name because you don't know her...Debbie. WELL...she is Greek and she reads cards. Not the tarot type, but a regular fucking deck of playing cards...creepy. Anywho...I've had her do this for me on occasion for various people in my life and she is always ON THE MONEY. So...I tried to resist, but could not. I had her read EP's cards, and well...this is the verdict:

"I read the cards yesterday. They were almost the same as last week except his mind was not as busy. You are the closest girl to him. There are two more, one is just a friend. The other is more than that, but he doesn't care too much about her at all.

There were two guys in his cards, one very important. However you will laugh. The most important constant thing in his head is moneyyyyyyyyyy. All around him work and money. In front of him behind him everywhere. I think he is very well off. I think he has more money than you think and he is also a hard worker."

Not bad, eh? I had a feeling that I wasn't the only female in his life {yet}. I just wanted to know how important to him I was, and if it was possible that I was wasting my time altogether. It is very nice knowing that I'm the closest one in his thoughts, and heart. I feel the same for him. Aww...now the financial thing is just gravy. I will confess that I am NOT good with money. Never have been, and I know I need to work on my spending, saving, paying bills behaviors. Hopefully he can help me in that department, and I can help him in his AFFECTION department...yes he's not perfect, but I can work with that. He is very affectionate in person, but he's not so into the pet name thing, and thats okay, cause it loses something when used too much. I also don't hear from him as much as I would like, but if it were up to me, we would be attached at the hip and I know that isn't healthy, especially in a new relationship. I just like him so much I can't help myself. Did I happen to mention that I am superhumanly in love with this man? From the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. Completely. Whoa...now I'm scared.

Let's Get Ready to Rumble...

No, this post in not in reference to the Tyson fight. I had an absolutely terrible weekend. Well thats not exactly true. The weekend started out okay; it just ended badly...very badly. Lets take it from the top.

Well on Thursday night, EP came over. Yes, yes, I know I hadn't heard from him, and wasn't going to call (and I didn't)...but he called, and after a vicious tongue lashing from me I might add...oh what the hell...here is the "play by play":

ME(1:04:38 PM): just wanted to make sure you were still alive
EP (1:04:51 PM): i am barely
EP (1:05:18 PM): ...u do know that my human side died years ago. I am actually superhuman.
EP (1:05:30 PM): i evolved
ME (1:06:05 PM): obviously your superhuman skills don't include picking up a telephone....I'd be pissed about that oversight if I were you....
EP (1:07:16 PM): hhhheeeeyyyy.....the police did not show up at my doorstep yesterday either...
EP (1:07:32 PM): .....because you did not call them and file a missing persons report
ME (1:07:55 PM): well it hadn't been confirmed that you were MISSING
ME (1:08:06 PM): only unresponsive
EP (1:08:27 PM): un huh
EP (1:08:50 PM): i am disappointed with you....
ME (1:08:57 PM): as I am with you
EP (1:09:12 PM): there should have been police...firefighters...or something at my house
ME (1:09:13 PM): I'm glad we still have some reciprocity

And I'm not even to the BIG fight yet...SO it was either this night or the next that he came over...I can't remember right now...just checked my messages it was this night. Well we "made up" and he definitely made up for not calling...can you say climbing the walls...well I was on the ceiling. Moving right along...not much going on until Friday...when Aunt Flo showed up. I tried to get EP to come by that night to top me off before Ms. Flo made her approach, but he had to be to work very early the next morning. We talked all day Saturday, and when I told him that Aunti was in town to stay for a few days, he wasn't very happy, but what can you do? EP went to a friend's house to watch the fight, and afterward called to ask if he could just come and "lay next to me"...how sweet...he recovered major cool points for that. So we held each other and slept. It was very nice.

However things would not stay nice. EP left Sunday morning about 9AM. I got LO something to eat, and started getting things ready for her stay with her father, PD. WELL...I could tell from earlier conversations that he had quite the attitude, but I still wasn't prepared for the drama that ensued. He was supposed to pick her up between 3-4pm, which became just 4pm, at some point in the day. He didn't arrive until 4:35pm, and I was supposed to meet friends at the mall, which in most places closes at 6pm on Sundays. Well he started complaining that he didn't like the way that LO's hair was combed (then comb it yourself, you idiot)...then he made some remark about how "thats why you're by yourself". Haha...which of course got the "I'm not by myself, Boo" remark from me. He goes ballistic, and proceeded to call me all sorts of names and other obscenities to which I didn't respond. He further kicked my car leaving a dent, and he followed me down the street throwing things and screaming like a lunatic. Later he left me three messages saying how terrible I am as a person and a mother, and he sent a couple of text messages just in case I didn't listen to the voicemails. I called EP twice, but he never returned my calls.

I suck.

At least that is what this whole fiasco has left me feeling like. I know that is exactly PD's intent, and well...it worked. He is AGAIN making me question things about myself that I know are not true, but you know what? It doesn't have the effect on me that he thinks. It makes me want to try even harder to be a better person, mother, lover, whatever to those who are in my life now. But it does bother me that maybe he'll try and drive the right person away from me...because he wants me to miserable like him. Why have I doomed myself to this hell? Why couldn't I see sooner that he is NOT the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life having to deal with? Why did I punish my daughter by giving her a father like that? I do not have the answers to any of these questions, but I'm hoping the experience will make me a much more grounded, composed, caring, and resourceful mother and wife for someone one day. Provided PD doesn't scare him off.

So He Hasn't Called...

I know that it is completely possible that I'm overreacting...but I don't care. I am pissed. EP came over Sunday night...err...spent the night, Sunday night. After leaving on Monday we talked briefly online during the work day (he took the day off), and that was it. Nothing. I sent him a text message to which I didn't get a response, and I sent an IM. Well earlier today he did hit me back on yahoo, but I wasn't at my desk. Anyway he could have gotten in touch with me if he wanted, but he didn't, which means he didn't want to, and that bothers me. Just being completely honest with myself about it. Sigh...well thats okay. I'll just go on make plans for the weekend, and no matter what I WILL NOT CALL. I will not send a text message. I will not send an IM. Nothing.

Moving right along...this other guy...one that I don't think I've mentioned before...not that he really deserves mentioning...well we had been flirting for months...scratch that...years, okay year. Anyway the Friday before my first date with EP we hooked up, and we "hooked up". Complete disappointment. Nothing is worst than all this build-up to something you think is going to be fabulous only to hear "Wamp-wa-wamp-wamp" at the finish. Sigh...well he wants to see me this weekend. I'm considering giving him another crack at it (lol, sorry couldn't resist)...especially considering the nosedive that my little fling with EP has taken. We will see...the little one is spending Saturday night with her father so maybe I will, and maybe I won't. I kinda want to be alone, but once LO is gone to Texas I'll have plenty of time for that. I should have some new movies to watch by then, and I do have someone that wants to come over and watch them with me, but I don't know if I want to be bothered with that one. I guess its nice to have options.

Once LO is gone I'll be able to get back on the treadmill...or bike...or elliptical..or whatever. I haven't really been able to get back in the swing of things since PD moved out. I know if I can get there as much as I want things can happen really fast I just have to get my butt moving. Good thing is I don't think I've gained anything...all my clothes are still fitting well so I should be okay. Hopefully in the next couple weeks nothing changes. Well thats enough for now. I'm not calling...no matter what. I'm not.

Fatter Than You

Beautiful_under_this_skin's Xanga Site I've been reading sites like this one again. I was doing really well about my little..err.."problem" for awhile but now...I feel myself slipping again. I actually dropped about 25 pounds since March, but I got side-tracked, with PD leaving and all. I also need to pay up on my gym membership. I owe them for one month...only 20 bucks. Anyway...I'm feeling the obsession creep back in, and being that I've managed to keep my weight down even though I haven't been watching what I eat or working out...I know that I can let this get out of hand really easily.

The scary part is...it excites me. I want it to get out of hand. I want nothing more than to finally look on the outside like I see myself from the inside. Yes I know this will not make me any happier really, but it is a dream. Considering all the changes in my life recently, I need this. I really need this. To feel in total control again, and to be the master of all around me. With the little one going away for the summer, I think I will really be able to completely reinvent myself this year. It is so exciting I can barely contain myself.

Well...EP stayed over last night. We watched a really terrible movie, "Killing Me Softly" with Heather Graham. It was one of the worst movies I have ever seen, but at least good for a few laughs, well make that many, many laughs. Toward the end of the movie his hands moved into my top and then my tits in his mouth, and well I'm sure you can figure out the rest. He left this morning about 7:15...we don't want the little one seeing him wake up here or anything. As matter of fact they have never met, and I don't intend on having that happen until well after the end of summer once she returns from her little vacation. By then maybe my little web of seduction will have completely taken over his good senses, and we'll be planning our wedding; another reason that I can barely contain myself.

Still Chilling

Well after talking to Him...not God, the guy I'm seeing...I guess I better give him a name...umm...El Presidente, yeah thats it...after talking to EP last night {he was on his way to pick up a FRIEND, from the airport, and you know that means female, cause otherwise he would have said, my boy, my man...etc...} EP said he would call back and he didn't. This of course sent my mind reeling, but did I call? No. I didn't call or send an IM or do any other looney thing. I just chilled. This morning...continued the chill. Nothing, not a word from me until...oh looky there...EP sent me an IM. I mentioned nothing of the previous night's conversation. Like I didn't even notice that he hadn't called. I'm proud of myself, and I'm still chillin'.

Well...during the course of the conversation we were joking around...like we always do...and he jokes that and I quote, "i may put my flag down in {Mo} and claim it my property." You can't say things like that to a woman at this stage and not think that she's not going to go off and pick out paint for the nursery. Doesn't he know that. Of course not...cause he's a man. We talked online for the rest of the afternoon, and once he left work...RIGHT after he left work...he called, and talked to me almost all the way home until I told him I had to go. I said I'd catch him online, or I'd call him later and he actually seemed a little dejected. Or maybe thats just transference...of the way I was feeling last night. Anywho...we'll see if he wants to do something this evening...maybe hangout or something like that. Maybe he made plans with Airport girl. Who knows? Either way I'm going to chill...and keep chilling until everything is completely frozen. It seems to be working so far...why stop now?

Me Neurotic...NO...You Think So?

You ever know that you are overreacting, but can't do anything about it? Do you ever find yourself obsessing over something or someone, knowing full well that you are the one driving yourself crazy; yet seem completely incapable of stopping it? No? Well maybe it's just me. Sigh...I am obsessed. It is this new guy I've been dating, and it is making me crazy. Okay, okay, I'm already crazy, but it is making it more obvious.

I know that you are supposed to take it slow, and get to know each other, but we've already established that patience is not my strong suit. Also considering the number of times I've already slept with him...we are way past taking it slow. Get over it. The problem is...I've decided that he IS the one. You know the way we girls are...we make up our minds, and that is it! He's the one, and it doesn't matter if we find out later that he is an armed robber, Hare Krishna (although that should be obvious), republican (okay maybe that's going too far), or homosexual...we are going to make him into the ONE. Well I've decided, and damn-it I'm not letting him go Hare Krishna on me! Not now, not ever!

So...my question for all you gents out there...how do you subtlety go from "dating"...UGH...to being "exclusive"...quotes not really needed or wanted there. I don't want to scare him away, but I want all other creatures of the female gender to stay the hell away...from MY man...cause I got dibs on this one, biotch! We really are perfect together...except for the fact that we don't know each other very well, but I'm not going to let a little thing like that stop me from making him my husband. I've already picked out the china pattern, and I'm trying to decide between fuchsia or periwinkle bridesmaid's dresses.

See this is what I mean...I KNOW I'm just driving myself crazy. I KNOW that I should just chill out and enjoy the moment, but you don't understand...this craziness is hard wired to the female brain or something. The only time females do NOT get this way about a guy is if...WE AREN'T REALLY INTO HIM... {hushed silence falls over the crowd}...Yes I said it...a woman is capable of not being "into a guy" and if she isn't...she could care less. Well in this case...I couldn't care more...but I don't want to. I mean I want to continue stalking...umm...liking him as much as I do, but I really don't want to keep obsessing in this unhealthy way about everything he does, or who he's doing it with...{whispering...that makes me think...what is he doing right now...and WHO is he doing it with...its been 2 whole hours since we talked...OMG...it's someone else!}...SEE that is exactly what I'm talking about! WHY do I care....sigh...he does call all the time. He does spend the night...and wants me to stay over with him...takes me out...spends lots of time talking with me...I guess I should just chill out. Try to chill out. Chilling out going on over here. Okay...completely chilled. Burrr!...its getting cold in here!